Restless

I feel restless in that way that I get sometimes. A way that is a little bit scary because I don't fully trust myself.  Now and then, something creeps over me. Like an itch inching across my skin, seeping into my pores. This feeling is like a sink filling with water, drip by drip, building and rising, in anticipation, at any moment it will spill over. My feet will be pacing in puddles across the bathroom floor. I find myself holding my breath. 

It’s a longing and  fear all at the same time. 

I saw how empty my life had become.  

My calendar was full, but I was starving. Swallowing pleasentries, choking on the plastic. I decided to strip away all the noise, retreat into my own private world. Dim the lights, open the windows, feel the breeze as I lay in my bed, in the quiet that somehow fills me in ways the outside world cannot.  I let everyone believe I was busy, even if I was just staring at my own ceiling.

I've come to accept that I am not for everyone, and I’m satisfied by my own company.

I’ve earned the right to have a life of depth, and raw indulgence. My opinions have teeth and I like to bite. 

I live with a craving to go deep. 

I need people that can match my intensity and aren't afraid of what they want. Unconventional, eccentric, passionate. People that live their lives without an audience.

I want the people in my life to talk to me like they are six craft beers into telling me their life story, dangerously honest.

I don’t need to draw attention or be reckless, that's not what it’s about. I suppose it's pushing back on expectations, roles, obligations, and the weight of responsibilities.  

A life like a clandestine love affair, tucked away on Tuesday afternoons, when everyone is too busy acting out their own little shows to know, to notice, to care.  I want to be in the fringes of all that drinking deeply, indulging, and relishing in the things that make me feel alive, human and real. 

I need to feel my heart race from fear, from excitement, from doing something I’m not supposed to be doing. Maybe I should take up hang gliding.